There's Roxy looking Foxy in a mink There's Becky Tishman giving me a wink Esther's nose and teeth are false But dig those silicone matzoh balls Check out all the hot Jewish chicks There's Francy fancy-shmancy in a wig She'll swallow anything but shrimp or pig Ida bleaches her moustache It gave my brother Saul a rash We're diggin' all the hot Jewish chicks, Yeah, yeah Emily got knocked up through a sheet I'd like to mix her milk with my meat Just look at all this cleavage And not one crucifix We're diggin' all the hot Jewish chicks Sarah likes to cook and read the Torah But watch her dance She puts the "whore" in hora Tessie does a wicked waltz I got too close and shot my schmaltz Check out all the hot Jewish chicks Doris was a dog - oof - oh so nasty Now she looks fine - hmm - rhinoplasty Becky Greenberg makes me drool I did her in the can at shul We're diggin' all the hot Jewish chicks, Yes we are Rose won't tell her age, but here's a hint She fact-checked the Old Testament We up and joined Hadassah So we could get a fix Of diggin' all the hot Jewish chicks June likes to get spanked & raise a ruckus I did her in the can at shul at sukkos... In the tuchis They light our Shabbos candles And then they wet our wicks We dig 'em 'cause they're hot And shiksa's what they're not We're diggin' all the hot Jewish chicks Hot Jewish chicksback
They Tried To Kill Us (We Survived, Let's Eat)
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
We were slaves to pharaoh in Egypt The year was 1492 Hitler had just invaded Poland Madonna had just become a Jew Moses was found on the Potomac Then he marched with Martin Luther King He came back to free us from our bondage 'Cause S&M has never been our thing They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet So they chase us to the border There's a parting of the water Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat Then the Pharaoh, who looked like Yul Bruyner Heard the Jews were trying to escape Charlton Heston came right down from the mountain He said, "Pharaoh, you're a damn dirty ape" The menorah was almost out of oil Farrakhan was planning Kristalnacht The gefitle fish was nearing extinction It looked like Moses and his flock were fehrkakt They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet And we knew how to resist 'Cause we'd rented Schindler's List Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat The 10 Egyptian plagues 1. Blood 2. Locusts 3. Boils 4. Dandruff 5. Acne 6. Backne 7. Piles 8. Cataracts 9. Sciatica 10. Sickle cell anemia We fled on foot, there was no time to tarry Leavening the bread would take too long All we had was egg foo yung and matzoh While battling the fearsome Viet Cong And so tonight, we gather to remember The ancient Hebrews who paid the price We have a Seder, every year in December To commemorate our savior, Jesus Christ They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet So we never did succumb to the annual pogrom Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet So come on, blow the shofar 'Cause they haven't nailed us so far Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eatback
Jews For Jesus
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
I've never been the most observant jew After my bar mitzvah I was through I've disobeyed the code of Abraham I've eaten several shiksas and some ham But as bad as I have been I still would never dream Of foresaking my forefathers And playing for the other team Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus When I see you my mind just freezes Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus Stink as bad as rotten cheeses And just to show you who's the boss I'd really like to nail you to the cross Jews for Jesus Your shirt of blue emblazoned with a star Filthy turncoat - that is what you are You offer me a pamphlet - I decline I'd rather jam a broom up your behind Like mayonnaise on rye You make your bubbe cry Go get your foreskin reattached It's time for you to die Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus I wanna wanna chop you into pieces Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus I hope you get lots of diseases Traded in Purim for the Pentecost I'd really like to nail you to the cross Jews for Jesus "Jew for Jesus" - the phrase is pure deceit It's like being a vegetarian for meat I'd gladly baptize you in my toilet For you, just like the bowl, are full of shit Let's take him to the lake outside of town You'd better walk on water or you'll drown You're born again - that's nice Stay dead - that's my advice If Jesus resurrects you, great! I get to kill you twice Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus On Christmas day do ya eat Chineses Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus I'd wanna wanna toss you from trapezes Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus These two things are antitheseses Time for you to learn about the Holocaust While I nail you to the cross Jews for Jesusback
A Little Off The Top
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
Just a little off the top that's all, that's all A little off the top that's all... Keep a sure & steady hand When you're slicing up the glans Just a little off the top, that's all... Dad Dear man, I hope you understand Don't nick my baby boy's dick Therefore, you know that less is more Don't chop - just a little off the top chorus Mohel How dare you imply that my hand isn't steady Although I'm quite old, I'm also quite ready So you needn't worry that my brow is sweaty 'cause I never slip when I wield my machette I've done it blind-folded, I've done it on acid I did it in Budapest, Prague and Lake Placid Erect or flaccid, it's a little off the top chorus Mom I've seen some long as a garden snake And some that gave me a tummy ache I like it smooth like a lollipop So when you crop, just a little off the top A little off the top... chorus - All Just a little off the top that's all, that's all A little off the top that's all... Keep a sure & steady hand When you're slicing up the glans Just a little off the top Be careful how you crop Just a little off the top Don't make me call a cop Just a little off the top that's allback
Jews Jews Jews
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
Jews Jews Jews... Jews are circumcised & that's why we're under-sized But a girl with a ten-karat ring on her finger Doesn't care what's between my thighs Jews need shrinks Like goyim need their drinks Mom was bossy, Dad was a wimp And Freud says the whole thing shtinks When you're Jews Jews Jews... Jews run banks For this we get no thanks But won't have control of Hollywood Until we convert Tom Hanks And Jews drink blood We've done it since the flood We drain it from the veins of Christian babies It makes the matzoh taste so good 'cause we're Jews, Jews, Jews... Jews killed Christ It wasn't very nice We didn't have anything against the guy But we couldn't turn down the price And Jews write songs To make up for our tiny schlongs If we make you laugh, then we might get laid So come on, girls, sing along with two Jews, Jews Jews...back
JDate
(words by Rob Tannenbaum, music by Rob Tannenbaum & Sean Altman)
So you're living in the city and you're still single & you're looking for a place where you can mingle Did you know that there's a web site for lonely Jews? It's easy to remember & it's easy to use JDate, JDate - Sign up & find your J-Mate Everyone's funny & everyone's smart And 20 pounds fatter than they say they are On JDate, JDate - Sign up & take the J-Bait How many siblings do you have & where'd you go to college? (Brandeis, Brandeis) How many times would we go out before there's carnal knowledge Do you rent a little dump, or do you own a big co-op? Are you really that cute or did you Photoshop? JDate, JDate - The men hide their hairless J-Pates Everyone's funny & everyone's smart & 3 inches shorter than they say they are On JDate, JDate - Sign up & seal your J-Fate Well you can ask a girl out if you like her looks It's like Amazon.com, but with chicks instead of books And if you have a bad time on your Jdate You can always go home & J-Masturbate JDate, JDate -The girls all lie about their J-Weight Everyone's funny & everyone's smart And 3 years older than they say they are On JDate -It's J-GREAT, I sure hope that I J-Rate She showed up 20 minutes J-Late And that's something I just J-Hate She didn't even bother to J-Depilate But she sure did clean her J-Plate Then she started a J-Debate Rob, are you sure you're J-Straight? Now where can I get a J-Rebate? Or a nice big hit of J-Nitrate While I'm waiting for my anger to J-Abate Not a night I'd like to J-Duplicate Please allow me to J-Restate I want a girl who'll check my J-Prostate On JDate, JDate - Sign up & find your J-Mateback
Today I Am A Man
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
I've got two pubic hairs and a three piece suit-Today I am a man I'm getting bar mitzvah'd just to make some loot (TIAAM) Mom's all wacked out on Percoset Dad's back from Reno with a slutty brunette And here comes Uncle Saul smelling like a vat of Brute Today I am a man A bunch of old white guys playing Kool & The Gang (celebration!) 30 thousand bucks on this crummy shebang (TIAAM) At least I'll get to slow dance with Emily I wish she wasn't eight inches taller than me Now there's grown up feeling coming from my wang 'cause today I am a man I'm a man - a man who can't drink or vote I'm a man - my voice cracks with every note I'm a man - that's what the rabbi said I'm a man who still wets the bed I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man All my parents' friends gave me long term bonds (TIAAM) By the time they mature I'll be dead and gone (TIAAM) So I'll trade 'em for a hooker with a big huge chest She can help me study for my algebra test So it's a coming of age for me and my shvantz Today I am a... Man with the powers God granted all men Whenever I want I can stay up 'til ten My manhood's a flower just starting to bloom "Stop touching your penis and go clean your room!" I'm a man - bartender, where's my beer? I'm a man - I wonder if I'm queer I'm a man - that's what the rabbi said I'm a man who still wets the bed I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man I've got two pubic hairs and a three piece suit Today I am a manback
I'm Better Looking (Than The Guy You're Going Out With)
(words & music by Rob Tannenbaum)
I'm better looking than the guy you're going out with I'm inches taller than the guy you're going out with And I'm even smarter than the guy you're going out with So how come you're not going out with me? Your lips, your hips, your neck, your eyes Your bed, my mouth upon your thighs He's better looking than the guy you're going out with So how come you're not going out with him Is it because... I'm not as moronic as the moron you're going out with Or is it that... I'm not as stupid as the stupid you're going out with Or maybe I'm not as creepy as the creep you're going out with is that why you're not going out with me? Your lips, your hips, your neck your bed You still do that with him instead Remind me why you left me Is it just cause I'm a dick? Well you knew that from the beginning So I'm guessing that's not it But I'm pretty sure I own more pairs of shoes than The guy you're going out with Oh and I know that I could run a half marathon faster than The guy you're going out with And I could name way more members of the '69 Mets than The guy you're going out with And I know a lot more about the harvesting of Pinot Grigio grapes than The guy you're going out with And I can smash the car windows and slash the tires of The guy you're going out with And I can make repeated phone calls at 4am to the unlisted number of The guy you're going out with I guess that's why you're not going out with me I guess that's why you're not going out with meback
Taller Than Jesus
(words & music by Sean Altman)
I'm not bragging - don't mean to blaspheme But Jesus was a short dude - at least compared to me The average guy at the time of Christ Was 4'9 to 5'5" I....I'm taller than Jesus I said I....I'm much taller than Jesus He was long on love - but short of limb My tee-shirt fits like a dress on him He could heal the sick and save your soul But he couldn't dunk a basketball I....I'm taller than Jesus I said I....I'm MUCH taller than Jesus Y'see, Jesus walked on water Turned water into wine But if you want to change that light bulb Call me - l'm divine... I was hanging with Christ - just guy to guy He was sitting on a phone book - we were eye to thigh He said "Hey Sean - what's it like up high?" I said "Hay-soos - you want a piggyback ride?" The Beatles said they were bigger than you Well I've the height on the Beatles too If genes determine the size of your bod Then my Dad must be taller than God I....I'm taller than Jesus I said I....I'm MUCH taller than Jesus I'm taller than Jesus Much taller than Jesus Not better than Jesus Just taller than Jesus Much taller than Jesus I'm taller than Jesus I'm taller than Jesus 1-2-3-4back
The Porno Made Me Do It
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
I was walking down the street, thinking 'bout a vacation I was on my way home, just to play PlayStation I saw my ex-girlfriend and I came unglued I meant to say "Hi!" but I said, "Let's screw!" She kicked me in the nuts and she smacked my mouth I was spittin' blood and I heard myself shout The porno made me do it and do it and do it The porno made me do it and do it again I went to Goldfinger's, to see some skin The featured entertainer was Amber Lynn I slipped her fifty dollars and she rubbed my pants So I climbed on stage and I started to dance I grabbed Amber's booty -- n'that was all she wrote A big bouncer lifted me up by the throat The porno made me do it and do it and do it The porno made me do it and do it again I went to a church to confess my sins The priest said, "Heaven won't let YOU in" So I talked to a nun to ease my mind She said, "Son, repent! Or you'll go blind!" I did a hundred Hail Marys, full of grace Oh, and by the way, sister, would you sit on my face? It was the porno... It was the porno... Now face to face with God, it was Judgement Day Had I pissed him off? Would he make me pay? I said "Hey, Lord, why'd ya make me this way?" He lit up a joint, and I heard God say The porno made me do it and do it and do it The porno made me do it and do it again The porno made me do it and do it and do it The porno made me do it, son I'd do it againback
Reuben the Hook-Nosed Reindeer
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
In all the songs of Christmas Passed down from days of old The tale of the unsung reindeer Is the one that's yet untold You've heard of Dasher, you've heard of Dancer You've heard of Prancer and Vixen, too But there's a reindeer you haven't heard of yet It's secret 'cause he's a Jew You've heard of Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen And Rudolph and how he glows But not Reuben - they're all ashamed of him He's the reindeer with the big hook nose He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer With his bulbous Semitic beak Cooks blintzes for Blitzen, does Santa's taxes Cleans his hooves every week He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer And the gig is taking its toll 'Cause it's a bitch to finagle a lox and bagel Up at the North Pole He checks the oil, rotates the tires Wraps the presents and packs the sleigh He checks the road map, rewinds the Streisand tape He packs a Thermos of consomme He gets a separate receipt for the milk and for the meat Pays wholesale for all the toys As you can plainly see, he's Santa's MVP And Santa is his Shabbos goy He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer With his giant misshapen snout Thinks Comet's a cleanser, Cupid's a yenta And Rudolph's a Nazi Kraut He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer He took the fortune but not the fame Went to Yeshiva, won't chase beaver Mah jongg is his reindeer game Oh just like a slave in thrall to Pharaoh He toils all night in the snow (ho ho ho) Come on, Santa, hear our plea: Let my reindeer go! He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer With his veiny relentless schnozz Got a poster of Bambi up in his locker And panties from Mrs. Claus He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer He's Kosher and playing it safe The elves put their dicks in Prancer and Vixen But he won't because they're trayf No he won't because they're trayf... Reuben!back
Hanukah With Monica
(words & music by Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum)
The underwear she wore was so erotica She liked to serve 'cause she was patriotica She put that age-old myth to bed 'Bout Jewish girls not giving head One thing she was not was underfed He likes jazz, but she likes electronica He plays sax, but she toots his harmonica & every day she's in the news is one more bad day for the Jews How long must we suffer through the blues 'Cause now it's Hanukah with Monica It all seems so moronica Hey you nosy paparazzi Let my people go eat matzi Hanukah with Monica It's so tragecomica Stuffed her face with rugelach She gave his thing a tugelach He wagged his finger, said, "It's just platonica" While she drank him like a gin & tonica She put the head in head of state Yasser Arafat can wait It's secret service while you legislate & now it's Hanukah with Monica Light up your Cubanica Eight whole days of goin' nuts On the presidential putz It's Hanukah with Monica This plague is so bubonica 'tis the season to be noshin' On big Bubba's hamantashen Oh ...oval office dreidel - she made it hard as clay On her presidential kneepads - he just sees her beret.... Yes it's Hanukah with Monica This condition's chronica We all want to dance the hora But she blew the whole menorah Careful don't you make a mess "That's Manischewitz on my dress!" Hanukah with Monica This ends our symphonica A Hanu-kind of Moni-kind of year.... Monicaback
(It's Good To Be) A Jew At Christmas
(words & music by Rob Tannenbaum)
I've neve rknown the giddy joys Of other Christmas girls and boys I never sat on Santa's knee I've never tasted Christmas ham Or carroled Winter Wonderland I'm just not down with Christianity, you see... It's good to be a Jew at Christmas It's nice to be a Jew this time of year It's clear that we're the chosen ones We got eight nights, they got just one It's good to be a Jew at Christmas On Christmas day we'll eat Chinese Walk empty streets until we freeze Once a year the city's ours alone Anyone you see must be a Jew Why not say "Hi! I'm a Jew, too!" The goyim are all getting drunk at home Oh yes it's good to be a Jew at Christmas It's nice to be a Jew this time of year You know that Christ was born a Jew Which means that Mary was one, too It's good to be a Jew Don't you want to be one too? It"s good to be a Jew at Christmas Good to be a Jewback